Hell of a Feeling
by Nichole Leigh
Summary: John realizes he is in love with Monica, and the aftermath of this realization.


Title: Hell of a Feeling Author: Nichole Leigh Rating: PG A/N: I think this is the last fanfic I wrote.sadness! But I'm trying to get back into it, so if this doesn't totally suck, I'd love to know. 12/18/02  
  
*** I never knew that the term falling in love could be so accurate. That your knees could buckle, your heart could stop, your vision dim, if only for that one, terrifying second.  
  
It's a hell of a feeling.  
  
I just remember one day looking at her, and it was nothin' special. Just sitting in the office in mutual silence. I glanced over at her, saw a little smile as she discreetly won a game of solitaire, and I had to grab the desk 'cause I thought I was toppling over. She looked at me, eyebrow raised just a little, a silent question. I turned back to my computer, but everything was different.  
  
I loved her.  
  
Took me a minute to even place the feeling with the word. With Barbara, love was slow, gradual. Lunches, dinners, a movie.the slow path into late nights and mornings, a house in the suburbs, a kid.  
  
So how was this blinding whirlwind love? How could friendly affection morph into something so debilitating? So I tried to convince myself that maybe it wasn't love. Maybe just a lack of sleep and too many thoughts. I tried to convince myself that maybe it would go away.  
  
For awhile, I thought it would. Then I'd see her walkin' towards me, and I'd wanna kiss her. Like it was nothing out of the ordinary, nothing new. Or we'd be walking down the hall, and for a brief instant, I'd expect her to lean into me, maybe I'd wrap my arm around her waist.  
  
These little cravings popped up randomly, and though it took only a small bit of willpower to control them, they were lasting and burned into my mind.  
  
I don't know how you control something like this. Something with no rhyme or reason, no place in my world. But I was doing an okay job of it.  
  
I don't know what happened.  
  
We were walkin' away from Skinner's office one morning, talking about the case. I guess we were standing kinda close.I guess we always do. Stopped to wait for the elevator, and I looked down at her for a second and she leaned into me. Just rested up against me, casual as can be.  
  
I don't know what I was thinking.maybe I wasn't. But I let my lips press against the top of her head for just a second, just long enough to have her notice, and scare the shit out of me.  
  
She moved away, and I stood right where I was. The elevator opened and I don't know about her, but I was grateful for the other set of people. Of course, they got out on the next floor and we were left alone.  
  
An elevator ride is short enough, but this one seemed to take hours. She was trying to act casual about it, and I was pretended to act like it didn't happen but it did and I already wanted it to happen again.  
  
The elevator doors opened and next thing we were back in the office, back where it had happened months before.  
  
It wasn't déjà vu as I sat there. I don't know what it was. It was distracting as hell though. I just kept looking at her, but she wasn't looking back. She was playing another damn game of solitaire. I swear she's addicted.  
  
But I just kept lookin' at her, watching. She must have noticed, but she didn't say anything. Eventually she gave up on the game and I gave up on watching her, and we both went back to work. It was a casual silence, filled with loud implications.  
  
When I looked over again, she was rotating her shoulders, trying to get out some of the kinks. This time she caught my eye, but it was nothing. She gestured for me to come over and read some report that she was working on, so I stood behind her and read.  
  
I dunno why I rested my hands on her shoulders, but I did. It took even me a moment to realize they were there, and to take them off would only be awkward. As I read, I absently rubbed circles into her back and in her reflection in the computer screen I could see her eyes shut.  
  
That was a punch in the gut. Just watching those brown eyes shut like that, like it didn't matter that I was touching her, while mattering more than anything.  
  
Eventually, I finished reading, told her it was fine and let my hands dropped. Her eyes opened then, as though she missed the pressure. I stood there a second to long, and she stood up with a yawn and a stretch. Turning around, I was still right there.  
  
I shoulda moved away. I know this. Should have just backed away from that half smile and solemn eyes.  
  
But my body didn't seem to be listening to my head that day.it just didn't care. My hand lifted itself to her cheek, and all those cravings were suddenly unleashed in that brief contact. Her hand held mine there and the smile was gone but I was getting lost in her eyes.  
  
Her eyes shut again, and I didn't know that a flicker of eyelids could cause such a feeling deep in your stomach. I didn't know that someone closing their eyes could make you wanna kiss them quite so badly.  
  
It was soft and gentle and still she clutched my hand to her face. And when we broke, the smile was back and she leaned against me. And though she couldn't see it, I was smilin' back.  
  
All those little moments, all those big moments, were suddenly surpassed in that kiss. Every want, every touched, accumulated in the feeling of her head against my chest, knowin' that she was smiling. I rested my chin against her head, and I don't know why but I closed my eyes. I had fallen again. And it was a hell of a feeling.  
  
*** 


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